I hate growing up.

Sigh, can anyone really understand how I feel?

I thought I was emotionally stronger. I thought I became less insecure. I thought I would have learnt how to strive for myself and stand up for myself. I thought I was braver and more outgoing. I thought i have found some direction. But no. I’m still the same, maybe even worse off now.

Do you really hate me so much? I tried my best, but I guess some things just take a natural course. Maybe someone of a higher power up there is trying to guide me along. Who knows.

I wanted a fresh beginning but is this really what I’ve been working on? I want to find back that kind of happiness again. Yes, I’m superficial and selfish and these things probably won’t matter in a few years anyway, but I really want to find a way out of this dump.

Belgium, far too great.

I remember my last night in Neerpelt. It was 10pm, we were all gathered in a waiting room. Earlier that evening we got the 1st prize cum laude so we were supposed to perform for the laureate concert. Standing there, I looked around at all my choir mates, people I’ve spent the past 4 days with. Then it dawned upon me that it’s going to be the last night before they all fly off to Ireland and me back home.

At that point I really felt like crying at the thought of returning home (I held the tears till the bus trip to Dusseldorf airport). I remember standing in the room, thinking “oh god. I could live like this. I don’t want to go home. I want us to be a travelling choir, going from city to city, from music festival to music festival. Yes I can live like this. I don’t even care if I have to survive on bread and milk all day. I don’t want to go home, back to reality, facing PW shit and the piles of work…”

Guess I’m having such strong emotions because this trip has a lot of firsts for me. My first school trip overseas. My first time out of Asia. My first birthday spent overseas, without family. It was all too surreal. My first encounter with a standing ovation.

Missing the choir like mad. The fact that they’re having wifi over there and they’re updating their twitter and Facebook isn’t helping either. Wish I could be with them and away with reality for a little longer. Now I’m finally starting to understand why choir girls love their cca like mad. It can’t even be explained.

But all in all, I still feel super blessed. I got all that I’ve wanted. The past few months hadn’t been easy and looking back so much has changed. My last birthday I couldnt even have dreamt of being here in hwachong, being in choir, going overseas and everything. It used to be too out of reach.

I’ve always thought 17 is just a filler year? Maybe the next 12 months will prove me wrong.